50. Meeeeeerdeeeeee

So. A lot's been going on. Where should I start?

- chemistry contest:

So k and m won. At first I really was happy for them. m revised a lot and her happiness was my happiness. The same thing happened with k. I didn't mind her wining, but also cheerd, cause she was so overwhelmed. At the end of the day I was really frustrated. Now here's the strange part. I was mad at myself because I didn't feel bad for not wining or coming in second or third in the contest. It is always the same thing with me over and over again: I tell myself I will study soooo hard I will know everything and all that shit. Then I don't. And then I loose everything. And after that I am not even upset, when I really should be. It got me something dr Cox said today (yes, dr Cox, I listen to fictional characters that are doctors because I dream of becoming one) "if you don't believe in youself, then who the hell should?" you know, it's all about convincing everyone that you are the best and you will be. That's the thing with k, something in the way she does things just screams "self confident". Since when did modesty pay off in any way? And m, she's such a hardworker, i envy that.

There is one other thing that gets me: that now, that I have found my weakness I am going to dwell on it about 2 days then I'm going to move on and do the exact same thing again and again. I know, because I already done it a few times. And you know tk is already back to his normal all-knowing self, even though he's score was way worse than mine. What is happening?

-english contest

I won ok? The one contest I acctually won and just because, well, I don't even have to learn english at home to pass it. So I am not counting it as any sort of a winner. If I win the state contest - then ok, I can cheer.

-l

fuck, I know I'm a dirty liar, but hell, I just saw this quote there somewhere, i don't remeber it very well but it said something like "if you think about someone at least once a day, tell them how you feel and you won't regret it". I am not planning to tell how I feel about him, mostly because I don't even KNOW how I feel about him. But I belive in destiny I am sure that - maybe in two weeks maybe in ten years - everything will work out for itself. And now all I have left is have fun without l.